Games Of Thrones S2 E1

 The episode opens in King's Landing with a dogfight - which ends very quickly when he flips his opponent over the edge of the fight. The opponent doesn't so much land as splash onto the court below and everyone applauds.

This is Joffrey's Name Day Tournament. Remember what Joffrey was like last season? Well, now she was drowning in his wine, because she showed up late to the battle and a little drunk, wasn't that nice? Quick-thinking Sansa takes out the sensitive Ser Dontos with Sandor's help, but it's clear that everyone is careful not to hurt Joffrey. Except for Tyrion, who appears out of nowhere and also shows Joffrey in full.

Tyrion then goes to the small council meeting to show Joffrey's mother as well. Tyrion isn't really the brother Cersei wants to see right now, but she sticks with him - after all, he fills Tywin's role as Hand of the King. He thinks Arya Stark would be an excellent negotiator when dealing with Robb Stark, and he's not too pleased when Cersei admits that not only did she let Ned Stark become Joffrey's master, but she also lost her youngest daughter. "We had three Starks to trade. You cut off the head of one and let the other escape? Father would be furious. It must be strange for you to be a disappointing child."

Meanwhile, Bran is tired of being lord of the castle in Winterfall, but is soon revived by a dream of a wolf and a red comet. Osha puts it this way, “A comet means one thing, son. Dragons." Cut to...

...To the Red Desert. Dany is currently minus a horse because her silver just fell to her death and isn't as awesome as three (incredibly good CGI) dragons. You'd think , especially since she can't figure out what to feed them or some of her khalasar as their supplies run low, he sends his bloodriders on a desperate quest to try and find food or civilization somewhere.

We follow the red comet to the Wall Beyond the Wall, where Jon, Mormont, Sam and their gang have been traveling for some time and now arrive at Craster's fortress. The good news is: Craster has many daughters! The bad news is that guys can't touch them. The bad news is that they are also Craster's wives. Eeeesh. "Your house, your rules" never sounded so mean. Jon is understandably as scared as we are, but Mormont also understandably tells him to shut up. And where are all the sons of Craster?. Then to Dragonstone, where Stannis Baratheon is on the beach at night by the fire. And by collecting, we mean he burns effigies of the Seven at the urging of Melisandre, who loves red and fire and is trying to convert Stannis to her religion. "For the night is dark and full of fear." Maester Cressen and Davos, Stannis' right-hand man, are none too happy about it. Cutting into the bird, Stannis dictates a very precise letter addressed to all the lords of the Seven Kingdoms, revealing that the Baratheon lineage was not very branched, or at least not with legitimate roots. Neither Lannister. It turns out that Master Cressen is so dissatisfied with Melisandre and the path she planned that he tries to poison her. Try to interrupt because not only does he have to drink first to pretend the wine he's offering is safe, but as he watches her die, he makes a big bet without flinching as the ruby ​​flashes in his throat. "The night is dark and full of horrors, old man, but the fire will burn them all."

Stannis' ravens travel fast. Robb meets Jaime Lannister, whom he has dragged with him wherever his army campaigns in the Riverlands. Jaime answers as stubbornly as he can, which is pretty hard when there's a really big wolf standing next to your captor, looking like he's ready to rip your throat out. Brave man, that Kingslayer.

Back in King's Landing, Tyrion and Shae hang out together as they discuss how awful the city smells, and Littlefinger tries to get Cersei together. "Knowledge is power." It doesn't really work because he pulls on her what he pulled on Ned last year - the palace guards now belong to him and Littlefinger has to watch out for himself. "Power is power," he says with a smile.

In Robb's camp, peace terms between Robb and Alton Lannister are being discussed. Basically, Robb wants his sister, his father's bones and his father's sword back, and for the North to be recognized as an independent nation. Alton fits the first three, not so much the last. And Robb reminds us again that almost everyone knows the Lannisters' dirty secret right before he sends Theo to the Iron Islands to get support from his family and Catelyn to negotiate with Renly Baratheon.

Cut back to King's Landing as, ironically, the last person who knew the secret seems to be Joffrey himself. Not that he wanted to doubt his own legitimacy; she is more concerned about having Robert's bastard children because she believes they would tarnish her father's memory. (Irony, it hurts.) In the middle of decorating the throne room, he questions Cersei about everything and is pretty rude. Cersei does what we all wanted to do and gets the Joffrey punch she needs for the season. Unfortunately, Joffrey doesn't seem to fear him as much as Tyrion. "What you just did is punishable by death. You will never do it again. Never." Cersei's hold on her son is rapidly diminishing, and she knows it.

And she's powerless to stop what comes next, which happens to be a lot of Gold Cloaks bursting into Littlefinger's brothel, where Ros has apparently been promoted—by what means we shall not guess—and is coaching the girls with a rather familiar speech. Janos Slynt arrives, seizes Robert's infant daughter Barra and, as her mother screams, slits the baby's throat. note 

The same thing is happening to black-haired children all over the city. (How many bastard children did Joffrey think Robert had?) But, though they're prepared to torture Tobho Mott for information, they've managed to let at least one bastard slip through their grip...

...because Gendry and Arya are long gone, riding through the Dark Hedges and on their way to the North.